Computer Code

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like  Mission  Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think  you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:  I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little punk.

Texas Kid's Test

Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Jacksboro Elementary. In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday.
The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?


******** SCROLL DOWN *******





1. DOVE SEASON 2. DEER SEASON
3. DUCK SEASON 4. TURKEY SEASON

GOD BLESS THE RURAL KIDS OF TEXAS !!!

Wee Weechu

It 's a romantic full moon, Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. For several minutes there was not so much as a peep heard from the parrot.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

                                                                                  YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

                       2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

 

3. Add 5

 

4. Multiply it by 50

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

 

If you haven't, add 1757.

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

You should have a three digit number

 

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

 

The next two numbers are

 

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

Confucius Says

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Blonde And The News

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Peter Peter...

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater.....

Halloween Moon

Halloween Moon

Nursery Rhymes Tilted

These are a little different from what I remember



 

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you dumb ass' !!

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

 

******************************************************

You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don't understand, it is because you are too young.

Male Or Female

Male or Female?   You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:   

 

	FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
	PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
	TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
	HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
	SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
	WEB PAGES:  Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
	TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
	EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
	HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
	THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,

how is everything going?' inquired God. 

It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, 

the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. 

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other

two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on

branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many othe! r parts of her body

came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having

only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 

That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first

shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed

only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the

bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of

Eden. 

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 

Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You

see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.

All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' 

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How

could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will

immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I

put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? 

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX  

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR   

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!) 

Sometimes

S O M E T I M E S



Sometimes....

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.


Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress


Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..









But   FART !!   just ONE time...


And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

New Obama Government Seal

Official Announcement

The Obama federal government will announce that it will change it's emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because that more accurately reflects Obama's
political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the
next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed!!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Sumbithch

Sumbitch

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted

To throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors. 

He also invited Leroy, the only Black man in

The neighborhood.

 
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. 

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Shrimp, 

Oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women.

 
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft 

Man-eating gator In my pool & I'll give a million dollars

To anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

 
The words were barely out of his mouth

When there was a loud splash & every-

One turned around & saw Leroy in the pool!

 
Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its ass! Leroy was 

Jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, 

Throwing punches, head butts & Choke holds, 

Biting the gator on the tail & flipping the gator 

Through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 
The water was churning & splashing

Everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator

Were screaming & raising hell. 

 
Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the 

Top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly

Climbed out of the pool. 

 
Everybody was just staring

At him in disbelief.

 
Finally the host says, 

'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

 
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' 

Said Leroy. 

 
The rich man said, 

'Man, I have to give you something. 

You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?'

 
No thanks. I don't want it,' 

Answered Leroy. 

 
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on

Giving you something. 

That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, 

A Rolex & some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

 
Confused, the rich man asked, 

'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

 
Leroy said, ' 

'I want the name of the

Sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!

Halloween Is Going To Suck This Year

WHEN PUMPKINS DRINK

Happy (early) Halloween!

 

Laughter is inner jogging.

-Norman Cousins

Why Dogs Bite And Can You Blame Them

    �

What's In A Name

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young Mothers
And their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving.
Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.  

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'  He said 'No.'  Then they said 'All patrols were busy.  You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay.'  He hung up the phone and counted to 30.  Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.  One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story)  I LOVE IT!  Don't mess with old people