YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

                                                                                  YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

                       2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

 

3. Add 5

 

4. Multiply it by 50

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

 

If you haven't, add 1757.

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

You should have a three digit number

 

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

 

The next two numbers are

 

YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

Confucius Says

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Blonde And The News

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Peter Peter...

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater.....